This is why sometimes we have a blog

SO THAT WE CAN SAY WHATEVERTHEFUCKKK WE WANT TO.
(and type about it faster too)

I'm feeling like a total outcast now because i choose to love.
Is it a really wrong thing, to want to be committed in a relationship, and beat the strides of it, and because it is our choice to do so.
Because u want it.
Not what other people expect you to, not because its the conformity u have to squeeze urself into, not because ur incapable of feeling epiphany without being in a relationship.
I want to be with the person i love. Who also loves me. and who takes all the trouble to be in a relationship with me, when that person can choose otherwise. We get psycho, we make mistakes, we lost a lot of money, but heck, thats also a part of life. But why couldnt they see or atleast feel it or just accepts that i'm happy. It is my life, therefore, i am the person who knows my life best, and i make my choice.

To enlighten you,
I really love imran. Good or bad, i really do. We're very happy being with each other, despite our past. we dont do our series of stupid fights anymore. this is because i know i found the answer which i have been looking for all these while. i found a person who is like me, able to accept that the past happened, and we move on to create a better world for each other to be in. things in the relationship have fits into place now. i dont doubt imran like i used to. the feeling i'm having with imran is like being on a swing. u know that feeling u get in ur tummy, that jittery feeling, like its so good i wanna pee, while the wind rushes into ur skin and pores. and u wanna push harder to get a higher swing. and sometimes u wonder whether ur going to swing urself over the bar. i feel like that when i'm with him now. he's a great guy. he's fun and he's a great buddy. we go together like pizza and cheese, peaches and cream, salad and croutons, potatoes and gravy! (oh by the way i'm hungry..) we all dont know where tomorrow will take us, but we're happy where we are, and we really wouldnt have it otherwise.

i feel like i just want to scream, 'FUCK YOU AND JUST LISTEN! TRY NOT TO BREAK WHATEVER I WANT TO SAY AND JUST GODDAMN LISTEN!'
i know i'm not miss ive-been-there-done-that, but i think i'm atleast smart enough to know what i really want, and i'm not just thinking inside the box. i've felt euphoric-without a guy.
just give me a bloody chance to say whatever i want to without breaking it. i have a point too. it may sometimes not be the right thing to do, but i just want to do it. its not because imran forced/threatened me to be in this relationship, its not because i'm comfortable with the ups and downs, not because i feel stupid/alone/bodoh/lonely/not able to live life to the fullest without a boyfriend.

i dont get a lot of chance to tell u how great its been with imran. i'm sorely afraid cos i knew u would say this! when was the last time i talked about imran anyway? u just dont want to listen. i stopped talking about the bloody guy cos its just not in ur interest.

i'm lowering down myself as far down as i can, and ill forget even asking ur support or blessings, i just want you to accept the fact that i want to be with my boyfriend.

it doesnt make me stupid, atleast.

but its just that.

Every little thing is gonna be alright, thanks love.

Nothing like a good movie to give me a breathe of light to live again.

I felt completely sick about my dysfunctional life for the past three days that i refuse to get out of bed, thinking of the worse when i'm actually in reality. Whenever i rolled out of my covers and open my eyes, it just feels like a total nightmare to live. I dont have a car, the last time i bought cigarettes, i payed using coins uptil rm6.50, which clearly defines how broke i am, my boyfriend is all the way in a farm in kuantan building a gate, my best friend is in united kingdom, my other best friend is in hartamas, being a goddess, i am just basically an introvert who doesnt go out partying or drinking, i dont collect stamps and i cant draw for nuts sake, i have a muffin top whenever i wear jeans, and i have lopsided, nicotine stained teeth, and i dont have a fucking digital camera to provide photographic prove of the current mess i am in.

That is why.

That is why i sleep more than a cat does.

To add up to my misery, the LCD screen for the fujitsu lifebook laptop got smashed into oblivion, and god knows who did it. We had plenty of children over, but i guess an obese leprechaun landed its omnipresent ass on it, and it smashed. U can hardly see anything on the screen now.

After all these occurence, i watched a movie. Nothing hip or cool, or trendy, doesnt involve alcohol and drugs, but it was special. At the end of it, it was just a perfect mirror of myself, and it reminded me that weird people like me who doesnt have that many friends, doesnt have symmetrical face or a gorgeous flowing hair, is still capable of living life. Things will fall into place when we are grateful about the little things in life; like having a mom and dad, 14 cats, a blogspot, a simple, loving boyfriend, a bed, small change in jeans pocket, country mart being a walking distance from my house, a pair of legs, and a bit of brain capacity.

I suppose, thats what matters for now. Just to be grateful. More will come... in small packages.

Tilly Berry Choo Shoo Barnaby Bombom Poopy Goos

I came across this photo, on stumbleupon.com. This photo, titled Candy Cigarette not just displays something, but it tells a story. It is both emotional and beautiful.

If i have a child, i would want to photograph him or her, in a seperate and private body of work. In the process of documenting my child's growth, I want to develope a passionate interest in human relationships and capturing intimate moments in the lives of family and friends.

The significance of pictures emerges in retrospect. I realize that I can create a visual life story of my child, capturing moments in her metamorphosis from infant to woman-her relationships with friends, her rebellion, and underlying it all, her relationship with me, a constant throughout her life. I want to photograph her in all her extremes, and to be part of these times in her life without judging or censoring. Only in this way would I have a true portrait of her.

Blog ahoy

Why is it that when I want to name my blog, i just HAD to leave my brain somewhere else?
I mean, i really like how boyd schidtt is spelled out like boyd shit. i dont know why boyd anyway. it just came. i typed it in the box, and filled out other details, and clicked next. not only will joey will kill me one day (if she reads this) because i already named my blog boyd with schidtt as a last name, but its so difficult to edit the bloody profile. look at it as it is now, blogger name is boyd schitt, and its has Thisaway Rose as a template. very smart, dianne, very smart.

But i'm happy with the space given to write. I am very obsessed with myself I suppose...bahaha.

Boyd Schidtt will probably make sense someday. Maybe its not an accident. Have faith.

Life's a cycle.

U do it. U stop doing it. U miss it. U try again. Procrastinate. It died. U miss it again. Then, in the end u find the courage to go through the battle all over again.

Thats my relationship with a blog.

God bless Kathleen Tessaro for writing Innocence.

I love writing. I to read what I write. I have a habit of re-reading my outbox again and again instead of reading the messages sent in. When i'm texting people with great interest, its not what their reply i'm looking for, but mine. I do realize that i stopped writing for awhile. I stopped writing in the old blog, and the hundred other blogs. I want my thoughts to be noticed, but i find discomfort in people reading them. I dont want to be analyzed. I dont want to be judged against just because i feel a certain way, or have different perceptions.

Then u will tell me to just go write in a fucking book instead of publishing my thoughts in an online journal, because sooner or later someone's going to read it anyway. But then this little hypocrite of not wanting her thoughts to be read is too fucking lazy to write in a book. Especially the ones with no lines. Pen runs out of ink. Theres too little space to write anything. Thoughts become more limited. U can't go delete the entire grammatically wrong paragraph. The entire book will be more of scratched lines, doodles, and ugly and tired handwriting.

Again u tell me, i should just write in Microsoft Word for all it matters. Fine, i'll just admit it. I want to write my thoughts in an infinite space provided, without getting tired, i can mess around, be brutally honest on what i write... but not give the url/link out.. just not now. I dont want my slow progress in life to be analyzed.

I just want to freely write. About whatever I want. Not forced to write things because i know readers/friends will expect a constant update. I want to write what matters to me. Not other people.

Also, this Boyd Schidtt blog is also to constantly remind me of my own progress. I'll take small steps to continuously write everyday. So that i have a track on what my life is about. Or atleast where its been. If i have 100 blog entries full of bull, then i can quite get that i need a turn.

So god bless blog spot. And god bless life. Wherever its going.

Dianne.