I happen to fall in love with the character that i have been resisting for quite some time.
Being an analyst is the best high ever.
The questions that sprout and bloom, thoughts seem to link to another, its like those iklan susu dkt tv, where they show the x-ray of cells in the brain, linking to another. From there i seem to create a chain of thoughts developing into a brilliant idea. The world is full of possibilities. There is so much beauty that i have taken for granted. There are lies underneath truth, and truth underneath lies. Emotions after emotions. As i reach to the core, the satisfaction is like filling up an empty hole.
Like,
YEAHH I GET IT!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
something you're suppose to do in 25 minutes, you still question about it 4 hours later.
To be, or not to be. That is the question.
No. that cant be the question.
The trouble is, i am scared of life.
I dont want to blog about it.
I am a coward.
I am afraid.
I sit in my failure with an unlit cigarette.
I sigh.
No. that cant be the question.
The trouble is, i am scared of life.
I dont want to blog about it.
I am a coward.
I am afraid.
I sit in my failure with an unlit cigarette.
I sigh.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Hubba Bubba
Hello Joey!
i am pretty sure that the only two people on this planet earth that checks out boydschidtt, is
you and me. thank you for signing your life away to become dianne's number one fan.
i would like to proudly announce that i bought a 2009 planner.
the journey getting the planner i want made my armpit sweat so badly. backhand me if you want to, i spent 2 hrs and a half in the bookstore deciding which planner i want the most. the one i really really truly madly deeply want costs RM175.90. it was the most gorgeous planner to plan my life in. then i knew i would totally wince, cringe and hate myself for spending so much on it. i probably wont have enough money to eat for the rest of the week. forget eating, but it just scares me at the thought of not having enough money to buy the cheapest cigarette available. so i was down to a few planner. i weighed each of its attractiveness carefully. i imagined myself being with each of them. i brought it around the bookstore one by one, examining which i feel emotionally connected to the most. after all the investigation carried out, i still couldnt decide on any of each. i had to call joey. cos she knows planners best. she told me to get both. and decide later which i am the most connected with. i called imran, but his brother picked up the phone, so i bantered away to him about my current dilemma. his advice wasnt very helpful either. after another hour, to the point where i just wanted to shoot myself, i trusted my instincts, and bought a black planner that has a card holder, complete with daily plans, notes and contact info, section. it also has a map of the world. now i know that columbia is actually a country of its own, and not part of the united states of america.
i know my blog content isnt of any anyone's interests.
i am out of juice to write. it is either because i have written a whole paragraph about how difficult it is for me to buy a goddamn planner or that i am hungry.
please believe that i am just very hungry.
i am pretty sure that the only two people on this planet earth that checks out boydschidtt, is
you and me. thank you for signing your life away to become dianne's number one fan.
i would like to proudly announce that i bought a 2009 planner.
the journey getting the planner i want made my armpit sweat so badly. backhand me if you want to, i spent 2 hrs and a half in the bookstore deciding which planner i want the most. the one i really really truly madly deeply want costs RM175.90. it was the most gorgeous planner to plan my life in. then i knew i would totally wince, cringe and hate myself for spending so much on it. i probably wont have enough money to eat for the rest of the week. forget eating, but it just scares me at the thought of not having enough money to buy the cheapest cigarette available. so i was down to a few planner. i weighed each of its attractiveness carefully. i imagined myself being with each of them. i brought it around the bookstore one by one, examining which i feel emotionally connected to the most. after all the investigation carried out, i still couldnt decide on any of each. i had to call joey. cos she knows planners best. she told me to get both. and decide later which i am the most connected with. i called imran, but his brother picked up the phone, so i bantered away to him about my current dilemma. his advice wasnt very helpful either. after another hour, to the point where i just wanted to shoot myself, i trusted my instincts, and bought a black planner that has a card holder, complete with daily plans, notes and contact info, section. it also has a map of the world. now i know that columbia is actually a country of its own, and not part of the united states of america.
i know my blog content isnt of any anyone's interests.
i am out of juice to write. it is either because i have written a whole paragraph about how difficult it is for me to buy a goddamn planner or that i am hungry.
please believe that i am just very hungry.
Monday, January 19, 2009
kau ilhamku
I found this note, by jehan.
" A bird was flying south, whichever way, why should i care? for winter. Suddenly it got so cold, the bird flopped down to earth. A cow came and dropped shit on the bird. The bird felt warm and happy so it started singing. A cat heard the bird sing, and went out to investigate. The cat found the bird, and ate the bird up.
1. Not everyone who drops shit on you, is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit, is your friend.
3. When you're in deep shit, just keep your mouth shut."
Cracks me up everytime i read it. Jehan, i may not tell you this very often, or i might have never told you at all. But you inspire me. (Now you know why I'm the biggest fan of your blog). your blog gives me more than just muse, it also gives me the will to continue writing even when theres a dark grey could following me around. even if we're far away, or when we're fighting, i will open two tabs on my mozilla, one for facebook. and the other for datinjehan.blogspot.com. because i admire you. and also because u make me smile so wide infront of the screen. thank you for writing about you. thank you for allowing me to read it. sometimes i smile much wider when my name is inserted. heehee.
you still havent found my blogspot.
if we were meant to be, i know you'd guess it.
" A bird was flying south, whichever way, why should i care? for winter. Suddenly it got so cold, the bird flopped down to earth. A cow came and dropped shit on the bird. The bird felt warm and happy so it started singing. A cat heard the bird sing, and went out to investigate. The cat found the bird, and ate the bird up.
1. Not everyone who drops shit on you, is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit, is your friend.
3. When you're in deep shit, just keep your mouth shut."
Cracks me up everytime i read it. Jehan, i may not tell you this very often, or i might have never told you at all. But you inspire me. (Now you know why I'm the biggest fan of your blog). your blog gives me more than just muse, it also gives me the will to continue writing even when theres a dark grey could following me around. even if we're far away, or when we're fighting, i will open two tabs on my mozilla, one for facebook. and the other for datinjehan.blogspot.com. because i admire you. and also because u make me smile so wide infront of the screen. thank you for writing about you. thank you for allowing me to read it. sometimes i smile much wider when my name is inserted. heehee.
you still havent found my blogspot.
if we were meant to be, i know you'd guess it.
Large head, very small brain
I havent posted in a very long while. A lot has happened since.
However, the major problem is- i've been back at country heights 4 times, and during those 4 times i've been around internet connection, it wasnt possible to log in into blogspot because i had already forgotten what my password. i typed it again and again, and i was certain that i typed it right. i even typed in the letters in slow motion. like i saw every frame, and which keys my fingertips touched. i was also positive that i didnt hold the key too long, so instead of f looks like fffff. okay. well, it didnt work out. i was too lazy to even hang around the computer too long so, after i checked whats hot whats not on facebook, i logged off. i dont google up juresic dinosaurs names up like jehan. seriously.
only tonight rolled around, and i realize how much time i have to spend being a lephrechaun, slumping (is that even a verb?) my omnipresent ass on the computer, and look up my password. the confirmation email was sent to my yahoo account,,,
only then i realised!!!!!! the email said,
Hi there,
Your blog, http://boydschidtt.blogspot.com/, is associated with the Google Account username diannevauxx@yahoo.co.uk. Please use this Google Account username to log in to Blogger and access your blog.
yahoo.co.uk!!! now it makes sense. it wasnt a password error, it was my goddamn brain locking the yahoo.co.uk into a bloody brain central deposit box!
excuse that.
i realised, as i read through other people's blogs, while wiping my tears away seeing how other people are so in-control. so well written, so FUNCTIONING that i feel totally (i can't believe i'm using this word) depressed. instead of writing of how glitzy and glamorous my life has been as an intro to this post, i actually wrote about how terrible my brain is. i think a lot of people do. people write about their brain when they didnt get a 4flat, or an academic award, thus they punish themselves, then conjure up a method to enhance their brain energy by eating brain pills, listen to dolphins, or eat some sort of rare vegetable. my way of enhancing my brain capasity, is well, uhh, i have no idea. i would probably go smoke after i write this.
my happiest spoonful in 2009 would be... (notice that i write this 19 days after new year)
no wait, u cant write about happiest spoonful at the start of the year. u write happiest spoonful at the end of the year. as like, a summary.
zip that. i have a good feeling about 2009. i already told jehan this, when we were in the car, exchanging plans of taking over the world by being an ambitious, SMART, classy woman. yes, i know the life cycle will roll over me, leaving me all squashed like a worm with contact lenses (notice that i didnt mention spectacles.. i am very pretty now, taha!). the point is, i have a sure sort of feeling about 2009. at the same time, i'm unlearning asiaworks, such that i want to be a part of life itself. my life. i want to breathe through it. i want to un-install the program that has been set. i sound like a friggin hard disk. i want course to take its place. be it evil or good. (i noticed how i wrote evil before good)
the objects that are holding me back from steering the boat, is a 2009 planner, a laptop, and the compass that will point to whatever i want the most.
which are imran, money, a pack of dunhill cigarettes, bo, a new pair of shoes, a fair lady (which i dont even know how to drive), and a ticket to go around the world.
the compass needle wouldnt stop spinning due to how indecisive and impractical i can get, thus in the end, it will break, scream, and slap me.
However, the major problem is- i've been back at country heights 4 times, and during those 4 times i've been around internet connection, it wasnt possible to log in into blogspot because i had already forgotten what my password. i typed it again and again, and i was certain that i typed it right. i even typed in the letters in slow motion. like i saw every frame, and which keys my fingertips touched. i was also positive that i didnt hold the key too long, so instead of f looks like fffff. okay. well, it didnt work out. i was too lazy to even hang around the computer too long so, after i checked whats hot whats not on facebook, i logged off. i dont google up juresic dinosaurs names up like jehan. seriously.
only tonight rolled around, and i realize how much time i have to spend being a lephrechaun, slumping (is that even a verb?) my omnipresent ass on the computer, and look up my password. the confirmation email was sent to my yahoo account,,,
only then i realised!!!!!! the email said,
Hi there,
Your blog, http://boydschidtt.blogspot.com/, is associated with the Google Account username diannevauxx@yahoo.co.uk. Please use this Google Account username to log in to Blogger and access your blog.
yahoo.co.uk!!! now it makes sense. it wasnt a password error, it was my goddamn brain locking the yahoo.co.uk into a bloody brain central deposit box!
excuse that.
i realised, as i read through other people's blogs, while wiping my tears away seeing how other people are so in-control. so well written, so FUNCTIONING that i feel totally (i can't believe i'm using this word) depressed. instead of writing of how glitzy and glamorous my life has been as an intro to this post, i actually wrote about how terrible my brain is. i think a lot of people do. people write about their brain when they didnt get a 4flat, or an academic award, thus they punish themselves, then conjure up a method to enhance their brain energy by eating brain pills, listen to dolphins, or eat some sort of rare vegetable. my way of enhancing my brain capasity, is well, uhh, i have no idea. i would probably go smoke after i write this.
my happiest spoonful in 2009 would be... (notice that i write this 19 days after new year)
no wait, u cant write about happiest spoonful at the start of the year. u write happiest spoonful at the end of the year. as like, a summary.
zip that. i have a good feeling about 2009. i already told jehan this, when we were in the car, exchanging plans of taking over the world by being an ambitious, SMART, classy woman. yes, i know the life cycle will roll over me, leaving me all squashed like a worm with contact lenses (notice that i didnt mention spectacles.. i am very pretty now, taha!). the point is, i have a sure sort of feeling about 2009. at the same time, i'm unlearning asiaworks, such that i want to be a part of life itself. my life. i want to breathe through it. i want to un-install the program that has been set. i sound like a friggin hard disk. i want course to take its place. be it evil or good. (i noticed how i wrote evil before good)
the objects that are holding me back from steering the boat, is a 2009 planner, a laptop, and the compass that will point to whatever i want the most.
which are imran, money, a pack of dunhill cigarettes, bo, a new pair of shoes, a fair lady (which i dont even know how to drive), and a ticket to go around the world.
the compass needle wouldnt stop spinning due to how indecisive and impractical i can get, thus in the end, it will break, scream, and slap me.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
This is why sometimes we have a blog
SO THAT WE CAN SAY WHATEVERTHEFUCKKK WE WANT TO.
(and type about it faster too)
I'm feeling like a total outcast now because i choose to love.
Is it a really wrong thing, to want to be committed in a relationship, and beat the strides of it, and because it is our choice to do so.
Because u want it.
Not what other people expect you to, not because its the conformity u have to squeeze urself into, not because ur incapable of feeling epiphany without being in a relationship.
I want to be with the person i love. Who also loves me. and who takes all the trouble to be in a relationship with me, when that person can choose otherwise. We get psycho, we make mistakes, we lost a lot of money, but heck, thats also a part of life. But why couldnt they see or atleast feel it or just accepts that i'm happy. It is my life, therefore, i am the person who knows my life best, and i make my choice.
To enlighten you,
I really love imran. Good or bad, i really do. We're very happy being with each other, despite our past. we dont do our series of stupid fights anymore. this is because i know i found the answer which i have been looking for all these while. i found a person who is like me, able to accept that the past happened, and we move on to create a better world for each other to be in. things in the relationship have fits into place now. i dont doubt imran like i used to. the feeling i'm having with imran is like being on a swing. u know that feeling u get in ur tummy, that jittery feeling, like its so good i wanna pee, while the wind rushes into ur skin and pores. and u wanna push harder to get a higher swing. and sometimes u wonder whether ur going to swing urself over the bar. i feel like that when i'm with him now. he's a great guy. he's fun and he's a great buddy. we go together like pizza and cheese, peaches and cream, salad and croutons, potatoes and gravy! (oh by the way i'm hungry..) we all dont know where tomorrow will take us, but we're happy where we are, and we really wouldnt have it otherwise.
i feel like i just want to scream, 'FUCK YOU AND JUST LISTEN! TRY NOT TO BREAK WHATEVER I WANT TO SAY AND JUST GODDAMN LISTEN!'
i know i'm not miss ive-been-there-done-that, but i think i'm atleast smart enough to know what i really want, and i'm not just thinking inside the box. i've felt euphoric-without a guy.
just give me a bloody chance to say whatever i want to without breaking it. i have a point too. it may sometimes not be the right thing to do, but i just want to do it. its not because imran forced/threatened me to be in this relationship, its not because i'm comfortable with the ups and downs, not because i feel stupid/alone/bodoh/lonely/not able to live life to the fullest without a boyfriend.
i dont get a lot of chance to tell u how great its been with imran. i'm sorely afraid cos i knew u would say this! when was the last time i talked about imran anyway? u just dont want to listen. i stopped talking about the bloody guy cos its just not in ur interest.
i'm lowering down myself as far down as i can, and ill forget even asking ur support or blessings, i just want you to accept the fact that i want to be with my boyfriend.
it doesnt make me stupid, atleast.
but its just that.
(and type about it faster too)
I'm feeling like a total outcast now because i choose to love.
Is it a really wrong thing, to want to be committed in a relationship, and beat the strides of it, and because it is our choice to do so.
Because u want it.
Not what other people expect you to, not because its the conformity u have to squeeze urself into, not because ur incapable of feeling epiphany without being in a relationship.
I want to be with the person i love. Who also loves me. and who takes all the trouble to be in a relationship with me, when that person can choose otherwise. We get psycho, we make mistakes, we lost a lot of money, but heck, thats also a part of life. But why couldnt they see or atleast feel it or just accepts that i'm happy. It is my life, therefore, i am the person who knows my life best, and i make my choice.
To enlighten you,
I really love imran. Good or bad, i really do. We're very happy being with each other, despite our past. we dont do our series of stupid fights anymore. this is because i know i found the answer which i have been looking for all these while. i found a person who is like me, able to accept that the past happened, and we move on to create a better world for each other to be in. things in the relationship have fits into place now. i dont doubt imran like i used to. the feeling i'm having with imran is like being on a swing. u know that feeling u get in ur tummy, that jittery feeling, like its so good i wanna pee, while the wind rushes into ur skin and pores. and u wanna push harder to get a higher swing. and sometimes u wonder whether ur going to swing urself over the bar. i feel like that when i'm with him now. he's a great guy. he's fun and he's a great buddy. we go together like pizza and cheese, peaches and cream, salad and croutons, potatoes and gravy! (oh by the way i'm hungry..) we all dont know where tomorrow will take us, but we're happy where we are, and we really wouldnt have it otherwise.
i feel like i just want to scream, 'FUCK YOU AND JUST LISTEN! TRY NOT TO BREAK WHATEVER I WANT TO SAY AND JUST GODDAMN LISTEN!'
i know i'm not miss ive-been-there-done-that, but i think i'm atleast smart enough to know what i really want, and i'm not just thinking inside the box. i've felt euphoric-without a guy.
just give me a bloody chance to say whatever i want to without breaking it. i have a point too. it may sometimes not be the right thing to do, but i just want to do it. its not because imran forced/threatened me to be in this relationship, its not because i'm comfortable with the ups and downs, not because i feel stupid/alone/bodoh/lonely/not able to live life to the fullest without a boyfriend.
i dont get a lot of chance to tell u how great its been with imran. i'm sorely afraid cos i knew u would say this! when was the last time i talked about imran anyway? u just dont want to listen. i stopped talking about the bloody guy cos its just not in ur interest.
i'm lowering down myself as far down as i can, and ill forget even asking ur support or blessings, i just want you to accept the fact that i want to be with my boyfriend.
it doesnt make me stupid, atleast.
but its just that.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Every little thing is gonna be alright, thanks love.
Nothing like a good movie to give me a breathe of light to live again.
I felt completely sick about my dysfunctional life for the past three days that i refuse to get out of bed, thinking of the worse when i'm actually in reality. Whenever i rolled out of my covers and open my eyes, it just feels like a total nightmare to live. I dont have a car, the last time i bought cigarettes, i payed using coins uptil rm6.50, which clearly defines how broke i am, my boyfriend is all the way in a farm in kuantan building a gate, my best friend is in united kingdom, my other best friend is in hartamas, being a goddess, i am just basically an introvert who doesnt go out partying or drinking, i dont collect stamps and i cant draw for nuts sake, i have a muffin top whenever i wear jeans, and i have lopsided, nicotine stained teeth, and i dont have a fucking digital camera to provide photographic prove of the current mess i am in.
That is why.
That is why i sleep more than a cat does.
To add up to my misery, the LCD screen for the fujitsu lifebook laptop got smashed into oblivion, and god knows who did it. We had plenty of children over, but i guess an obese leprechaun landed its omnipresent ass on it, and it smashed. U can hardly see anything on the screen now.
After all these occurence, i watched a movie. Nothing hip or cool, or trendy, doesnt involve alcohol and drugs, but it was special. At the end of it, it was just a perfect mirror of myself, and it reminded me that weird people like me who doesnt have that many friends, doesnt have symmetrical face or a gorgeous flowing hair, is still capable of living life. Things will fall into place when we are grateful about the little things in life; like having a mom and dad, 14 cats, a blogspot, a simple, loving boyfriend, a bed, small change in jeans pocket, country mart being a walking distance from my house, a pair of legs, and a bit of brain capacity.
I suppose, thats what matters for now. Just to be grateful. More will come... in small packages.
I felt completely sick about my dysfunctional life for the past three days that i refuse to get out of bed, thinking of the worse when i'm actually in reality. Whenever i rolled out of my covers and open my eyes, it just feels like a total nightmare to live. I dont have a car, the last time i bought cigarettes, i payed using coins uptil rm6.50, which clearly defines how broke i am, my boyfriend is all the way in a farm in kuantan building a gate, my best friend is in united kingdom, my other best friend is in hartamas, being a goddess, i am just basically an introvert who doesnt go out partying or drinking, i dont collect stamps and i cant draw for nuts sake, i have a muffin top whenever i wear jeans, and i have lopsided, nicotine stained teeth, and i dont have a fucking digital camera to provide photographic prove of the current mess i am in.
That is why.
That is why i sleep more than a cat does.
To add up to my misery, the LCD screen for the fujitsu lifebook laptop got smashed into oblivion, and god knows who did it. We had plenty of children over, but i guess an obese leprechaun landed its omnipresent ass on it, and it smashed. U can hardly see anything on the screen now.
After all these occurence, i watched a movie. Nothing hip or cool, or trendy, doesnt involve alcohol and drugs, but it was special. At the end of it, it was just a perfect mirror of myself, and it reminded me that weird people like me who doesnt have that many friends, doesnt have symmetrical face or a gorgeous flowing hair, is still capable of living life. Things will fall into place when we are grateful about the little things in life; like having a mom and dad, 14 cats, a blogspot, a simple, loving boyfriend, a bed, small change in jeans pocket, country mart being a walking distance from my house, a pair of legs, and a bit of brain capacity.
I suppose, thats what matters for now. Just to be grateful. More will come... in small packages.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Tilly Berry Choo Shoo Barnaby Bombom Poopy Goos
I came across this photo, on stumbleupon.com. This photo, titled Candy Cigarette not just displays something, but it tells a story. It is both emotional and beautiful.
If i have a child, i would want to photograph him or her, in a seperate and private body of work. In the process of documenting my child's growth, I want to develope a passionate interest in human relationships and capturing intimate moments in the lives of family and friends.
The significance of pictures emerges in retrospect. I realize that I can create a visual life story of my child, capturing moments in her metamorphosis from infant to woman-her relationships with friends, her rebellion, and underlying it all, her relationship with me, a constant throughout her life. I want to photograph her in all her extremes, and to be part of these times in her life without judging or censoring. Only in this way would I have a true portrait of her.
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